Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
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*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
For the baby who has everything
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.