Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
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Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.