It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
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I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true