Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
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Green is just blue that someone peed in
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Meeeee too!
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
sigh
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
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WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.