Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
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NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
He-man has a Masters degree
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Finally a use for spoilers…
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Can’t. Being lazy.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight