Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
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Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course