Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
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Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Never mess with a drunken pig.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.