If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
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You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”