I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
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My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Have kids, they said
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.