Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
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Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Stop being racist to kettles.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.