God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
You Might Also Like
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?