Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
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Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.