SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
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Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.