*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
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#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.