If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
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no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
I created you as mosquito food.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?