caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
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2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Okay, I’m still confused…
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.