Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
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I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan