I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
You Might Also Like
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
That’s enough internet for the day
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra