the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
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Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back