Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
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A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
What the hell happened in there??
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
is this store having a stroke wtf
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
“you changed” bro i was 15
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.