They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
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[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
buying dead houseplants to save time
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Bike is short for Bichael.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.