Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
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My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.