Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
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1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?