The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
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[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About