Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
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When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin