his wife is probably gonna see that
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Something Saturday.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Hmm, not sure about this change
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.