FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
You Might Also Like
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Your honor these allegations are
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works