I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
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*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
How does one answer this?
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.