“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
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I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.