Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
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favorite tropes as memes
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
The Punning Dead.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
dream blunt rotation
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
For the orator and chef in all of us