The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
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*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Stop sending me this shit.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
*Seductively hides in the woods
We found love in a hopeless place.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now