Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
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I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Me: I鈥檒l email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I鈥檓 an anti-faxer.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
馃馃敟馃馃敟
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven鈥檛 had a raise in eight years:
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.