I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
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CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
me irl
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Harsh but fair
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”