I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
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rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
This is not me but this is me
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY