Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
You Might Also Like
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.