i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
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Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.