Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
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Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.