Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
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I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
that colleague who touches your screen
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
is this store having a stroke wtf
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke