Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
You Might Also Like
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
CUTE CAT‼︎
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
lmao
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.