Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
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Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.