Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
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My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up