Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
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I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.