[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
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Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Coffee for people with no kids
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Close call…
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda