Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
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If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.