idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
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nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.