“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
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If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Rather alarming headline…
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.