My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
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a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
twitter is a journey
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.