ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
You Might Also Like
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store