No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
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Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.