Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
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Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever